Guys, guys, guys! Okay, uunahan ko na kayo, hindi ako professional writer o magaling sa storytelling and ek-eks. I was asked to write a reflection *paminsan-minsan* sa Feast Dubai Bulletin and this is my very first published article. Again, hindi po ako pro writer at hindi ako magaling sa grammar, subject-verb agreement and the likes. So please bear with my errors. Just posting it here for whatever purpose (to inspire? for my own reference? basta). Nonetheless, all of the things I have written here were from the bottom of my heart and of course, this all for the glory of God.
MOVING BEYOND MEDIOCRITY
Published in Feast Dubai Bulletin
May 6, 2016
“Bahala na!” – these briskly decisive words are very common with Filipino. I remember how this expression has become my way of life for the past years of struggling with emotional despair. I lost my dear mother at the age of 19, a sudden twist of fate that brought me to a long road of agony. I was never ready to let go of her hand. There was grief, and then there were the pangs of despair. I really lost my enthusiasm. My father has been there along the way, shared with my pain, cried and struggled with me. Eventually, I rebuild my confidence with him and he has become the source of my hope. Three years have passed, we endured and gone through each day without my mother. Until one day, my father was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and was given a lifespan of one year. Time ran faster as it seemed, all I could remember was his last days with us. It torments me a lot to see him stumble on simple things. He cannot walk without falling, he cannot swallow soft food without having to throw it up and we came to a point where he cannot recognize us anymore. My heart was shattering into pieces all over the place. It was November 2014 when he passed away. Grief and despair were drifting over my veins, again. I felt I was left in the desert after the joy of dune bashing experience. I was helpless, I lost my purpose, dreams fading away, I’m not going anywhere and all of the things coming are senseless. Life has hit me one-time big time, once again.
I surpassed each day either extremely drowning in misery or utterly floating in the obscure air, knowing that in no time I will swiftly fall again. I was either sentimental or completely deadpan. It made me care less about things, about people, about life. I was in a battle invisible to others. Something that I leave underneath my bed sheet in the morning, go out, does nothing and go back to it again when everyone else is sleeping. I know I have been going through the motions of life all those years and “Bahala na.” has become my mantra. I live in my own curated comfort zone. I was mediocre, I bound myself to act without giving too much effort and accept that things happened like that. I thought whatever fall out no one’s going to care anyway. Losing both of my parents made me independent in the sense of being selfish, that no one’s accountable of me and I am not accountable to anyone. I thought that was the best way to move on with life. But it unconsciously dragged me down. My relationship with people is failing, because I couldn’t care more for them the way I couldn’t care more for myself.
I came to Dubai and just be whatever fate wants me to be. One day I needed to have a video call with a loved one in the Philippines. It’s been a very long time since I opened my Skype account. Then I saw a short statement below my profile, which I have written there a long time ago. A striking message in bold text, “Work as if everything depends on you. Pray as if everything depends on God.” and I found myself in tears. All I know was I am going to have a video call and just catch up but something has struck me. It was God calling me that moment to restart my life with Him. He committed Himself as my heavenly father.
From there, I started to regain a sense of hope. Every day I go through a process of moving forward with God. He filled my heart with the desire to move out of my comfort zone and be on the courage zone. I have built a new dream not only for myself but also for my sisters who have struggled the same way that I did and for my future family. God’s love is overflowing. He has filled my love tank that I became capable of giving, pardoning and living with optimism.
Looking back to where I was before, all I can do is to be amazed at what God has done to my life. As long as my hopes are with Him, I will never run out of purpose.