25 June 2018
Hi, it's me. After such a long time, I'm back to this place/page na itinuring kong comfort zone. Dito nakasulat mostly yung mga nararamdaman ko na hindi ko kayang ibahagi sa mga tao on a personal conversation level. Going back to all of the things I've written here: from deepest to non-sense, lightest to darkest shiz, kahit yung iba grammatically incorrect - masasabi ko na nakatulong yung proseso ng pagsusulat para maibahagi ko ang lahat ng galak at mailarawan ko ang lumbay, pagkabalisa, takot at galit na nararamdaman ko. Ngayon ko lang din narealize na this blog is not just a safe place for me to freely express myself, it also served as a catharsis. Putting my vulnerable self out here and bringing the sense of obscurity that I feel in a conscious level lead to understanding my own self. It has become a way for me to cope with sadness and uncertainties, where I have to bring those things in my sub-conscious to conscious level. Doesn't mean that I have to personify those, but I got to do something to identify them, represent them as a subject or an object and try to detach it from myself, put it in an invisible frame or somewhere else. It could be through art or this, writing - kahit hindi naman ako magaling sumulat. My goal is not to make good impressions for the readers. I had no expectations when I started this blog. I just want to write randomly and later on I found myself writing about the pain of losing my mother.
Some of the stuff I have written here were about losing everything when I lost someone. But I gained a lot from this blog, as what I've mentioned earlier, unexpectedly. Nandiyan yung mga kaibigan na totoong naging bahagi ng buhay ko. Those friendships lead to events, moments, learnings, other friendships and a lover. The latter is the least to expect, but I'm really grateful that he came.
After some time I stopped writing, or let's say I stopped sharing how I feel or what's happening in my life. For some reason I lost the urge.
Paminsan akong bumalik dito when I can't contain things on my own. Mayroon din akong ibang blog, anonymous, para dun ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. I kept it secret to protect myself. I think It's my alter ego that I don't want to reveal to everyone. It sounds weird, but I actually allow my alter ego to write down her feelings. I acknowledge my alternate self and try to be friends with it. I don't know why, but this way I feel at peace with my inner self. Siguro I'm learning to accept the fact that I am not that kind of person who is always nice and bright. Like most of us, I am broken and weak. Sometimes I just managed to convince that side of me to find some rest. And some time I just had to give in and allow it to take over. My alter weakling ego often reveals herself sobbing under my blanket at nights, in random comfort rooms, and in secret corners. She's either depressed or devastated and allowing that self to freedom of expression lead to sympathy and harmony of my own self. If that is somehow to be called coping mechanism then I guess it is my coping mechanism.
It's not that I figured out how life works, but I think I'm just trying to know how to make things work better in my life. I'm still in the process. Siguro nasa point na rin ako ng buhay ko na I want to be truly connected with my inner self. As much as possible I try to avoid things that will make my life complicated, well, I guess most of us do. To simplify things is not that simple, it takes courage and perseverance, and I think it is important to know what you really want and make better decisions. That way napi-filter ko kung may added value ba yung mga bagay na ginagawa ko at kung worth it bang ma-stress. It's not a smooth system though, but it helps a lot.
I don't know why I'm saying these things, for what it's worth I'm gonna leave it here anyway.